This is indeed a disturbing universe

Continuing my tradition of talking about things that are no longer relevant, today I’d like you to cast your minds back a few years to a particularly bizarre PS2 game – WWE Crush Hour.

Wrestling fans may remember this game very well for a variety of reasons, while non-wrestling fans may have never even heard of this eccentric Frankenstein’s-monster of a game.

As a former/relapsing wrestling fan myself, anything containing the words ‘Stone Cold Steve Austin’ will pique my interests (see The Expendables, The Condemned, Celebrity Deathmatch...), so I had to try out Crush Hour. But this game... I can scarcely even find the words to describe it. For anyone unfamiliar with Crush Hour, the basic premise was to take the most popular WWE wrestlers at the time of its creation, give them their own grotesque themed car/van/bike/truck/STEAM ROLLER(?!), and have them fight each other. So in effect it was Twisted Metal with a WWE skin.

If, after reading that, what’s going through your mind is something akin to “What? That’s a crazy idea!”, you’re apparently thinking the exact opposite to the bosses over at THQ.

It really boggles the mind that this kind of mental spin-off can be produced. Taking one concept like wrestling, and combining it with something completely unrelated, like cars. If you’re going to do that, why stop there? Where’s EA’s Tiger Woods Kombat, or Konami’s Metal Gear Evolution Soccer? They’re nowhere. Because they’re insane ideas.

And Crush Hour’s gameplay is as insane as the concept. As if it wasn’t enough driving around in oversized, overdressed vehicles trying to explode other wrestlers to death, you also get the privilege of listening to Jim Ross talk about laser-guided rockets. Oh, and then there’s the INTRO:

Why can’t game devs just keep their licenses to appropriate outlets? Like, 007 Racing on PS1. That tied in the Twisted Metal framework with the James Bond license, and it worked to some extent, because Bond’s cars are well known for being kitted out with gadgets, like rockets and guns and shit. (Although don’t get that game. You could take someone’s eye out with one of those deathly-sharp pixels.) But then you get the ridiculous ones like WWE Crush Hour, or that STUPID Smurfs’ dancing game. I’m not even going to find out its title and italicise it, because I still haven’t repressed the memory of that gameplay video that made me want to die.

Can we just agree that wrestlers should remain in wrestling games, and footballers should remain in football games, and Smurfs should remain in... no, wait, they never made a good Smurfs game...